after you, m'lady

Make up your minds. Please.

Get together somewhere. Have a chat. Pull out each others hair. Or whatever it is that you do to solve conflicts.

Let us know. We’ll arrange for accomodation. Drinks on the house.

At the end of it, just let us know, please, in clear precise terms, exactly how chivalrous you want us guys to be. We really don’t care much for suggestions, indications or implications. Just make a damned list. Keep it simple. Do’s and Don’ts.

Fact is that we can’t live with constantly having to evaluate every situation to determine what small random (to us) act of chivalry you are obviously expecting us to perform.

The way I see it, there are essentially three levels of chivalry. Level 1 is the absolute minimum a guy has to perform to escape being branded an uncultured ogre. One extra unwarranted act and we are bang in the middle of the “what a fake!” zone. Two, and we are somewhere in the “Oh! He’s flirting with me” area. These being separated by very thin lines, the exact locations of which are among the best kept secrets of the female world.

You’re lucky if we’re even paying attention to what you are saying. If we are also attempting to comprehend what you are trying to imply behind those words, we are practically in danger of brain seizure. Expecting us to also fit in all those little cute things like pulling up chairs, holding doors open, and letting you in before us in queues etc is surely a tad unfair.

Why the sudden outrage? I was recently slapped (verbally, mind you) for … wait for it… being too chivalrous. I let her into the line before me for dessert and was met with “ye chivalry sab ek din ki hi hai bas, kal se line pe aajaoge!” (this being my first day in a new office). No, I had no idea who the nice lady was then.

I am currently in the process of proving her wrong. I am the guy who’s religiously holding on to all the possible chairs and doors in the office and having lunch at the end of the line. (In the process, I have subsequently discovered that she’s not totally evil). But I shall continue to persist. Until I absolve myself, or die. Of cold. Holding an open door.

"After you, M'lady"