Just not my day...

This post was written over a period of 1 1/2 hours in a cramped seat at 11000 feet while on a Spicejet flight from Delhi to Bombay.

The time is somewhere between 9:30 pm, which is when the flight took off, and 11:15 pm, when we’re expected to land. I couldn’t cut it any closer, since I’ve switched of my cell phone to conserve battery. I don’t want to be stuck in Bombay (can never get myself to call it Mumbai) without a phone when I get down.

Even as I’m typing this, the captain has just announced that we have been given a landing time of 10 minutes past midnight. This night is definitely not getting any better.

The only saving grace is that I have more than 3 hours of battery life. So here I am, typing away in 7 font size so that no one else around me can see.

On my right is a lady reading the book, “Beyond the secret”. She seems the quiet intellectual type. Definitely not the ‘let’s crib about how late this flight is’ type. The guy on my left is bored. Very. Has borrowed my magazine on retailing and is flipping through the Ads, spending inordinately long amounts of time on the ones featuring females.

The really interesting people are the family behind me. Husband, wife, kid, husband/wife’s mother, and husband/wife’s sister. By some process of decision making, it has been determined that Dear Dad will take care of the kid today. The kid is making it quite the task. Dad is trying to calm the exceptionally restless kid with typical male clumsiness and ineptitude.

He is under the illusion that taking care of spoilt kids on the airplane is definitely part of the Airhostesses’ job description. In between juggling with food trays, handing out tea and coffee, and charging people outrageous amounts of cash for these, she is getting her stocking pulled down, her food trays scattered, and the coffee cups molested by the young rut. Not to mention getting kicked in the ankle a few times for good measure. If ever there was a day when she felt like killing a passenger, today would be it. If she initiates it, I’ll gladly join in.

Being a woman, her anger seems to be focused on ‘Dear dad’ while mine is more concentrated towards the Kid. Between us, I guess we could take on both of them.

The kid has proceeded to kick my seat from behind every time he sits down with his Dad, post which he stands up and pulls my hair, all of this accompanied with high intensity screeching and wailing.

‘Mommy’ couldn’t be bothered less. Same goes for Mom-in-law and sister.

I have forgotten to carry my earphones. I did remember to carry a couple of books, both of which I deposited in my check-in baggage. The copious amounts of data I need to carry out my office work has ensured that I have by now deleted everything ‘Fun’ on my laptop that needs above 10 MB of space. It’s a company laptop; meaning no games either.

I have not had anything to eat since 12 in the afternoon. Was late for my plane, and just managed to reach in time for check-in, thereby squandering any chance of a meal before takeoff. My seat is on row 28, due to which I had to wait for a good 1 hour after takeoff for the nice airhostess lady to appear at my side, only to hear her very politely say the words “I’m sorry Sir, but we are out of vegetarian meals”. After 5 mins of rummaging in her tiny mobile ‘kingdom’, the only think she manages to find is a bag of peanuts.

I am allergic to peanuts.

….

While I am typing this, I can see the airhostess walking in with feedback forms in hand.

Time for some sweet revenge…

A peek through the looking glass

(Warning: Slightly disgusting toilet (humor?)/descriptions)

You walk up to the toilet door. It’s closed. From Inside.

Let us consider the various possible options of what could be happening inside.

a. Someone is taking a dump.

b. Someone is taking a dump.

c. Someone is taking a dump.

Pray, tell me, in which of these circumstances would it become necessary for you to take a peek inside and reconfirm?

I had an opportunity (an urgent need, rather) to visit a public ‘toilet with a difference’ recently. Each of the toilet doors had a good 1’ X 2’ sized window in the upper half of the door. Clear glass. Double sided. Bang at the eye level of the observer (if he so chooses to spend his time). Apparently the ‘public’ part of ‘public toilet’ had been taken rather literally in this case.

What possible reason could anyone have had to put up windows on a toilet door? After considerable contemplation, (part of it carried out in that very toilet), here’s my take on it.

This technology marks the start of a revolutionary new communication system across the toilet door. In the coming years, it shall completely replace the existing wordless communication protocol for Indian toilets, which for the ignorant, goes thus.

…

Man Outside Awaiting His Turn (MOAHT): Knock (“I’m waiting outside”)

Man Inside Taking a Dump (MITD): Hmmm… (“OK”)

…

MOAHT: Knock Knock Knock (in quick succession). (“I’m still waiting”)

MITD: Uhmm! (“I know!”)

….

MOAHT: DHUM DHUM DHUM!!! (Loud Knocking) (“What the @#%@^$ are you doing inside??!”)

MITD: … (Silence) (“What do you think, you moron?”)

…

MOAHT: (Tests handle of bathroom) (“I’m going to break this down. This doesn’t seem too strong”)

MITD: (Makes shuffling noises with feet / turns on the water, both being indications of him nearing the end of his business inside)

…

MOAHT is joined by ‘Man In Support of Man Outside Awaiting His Turn (MSMOAHT)’. This can be inferred (from inside) by the extra pair of shuffling feet, and the healthy amount of conversation carried out in grunts and ‘tsk tsks’ by the couple outside. MSMOAHT then grunts, knocks and tests the handle of the toilet all at once. (He can afford to do this since he’ll be long gone by the time MITD comes out).

The sound of a toilet being flushed is heard from inside, at which point MSMOAHT takes his leave, having successfully completed the mission. Moments later, MITD opens toilet door, to be met by a very dirty stare and a loud ‘TSK’ from MOAHT. MITD avoids any eye contact and heads straight to the wash basin. (Note that MITD successfully avoids any physical confrontation by the simple act of holding his dirty hands in front of his body at all times during this encounter)

To sum it up, this progressive new ‘Window’ technology would revolutionize the field of ‘across the door’ toilet conversation in India.

MOAHT would peek into the window with a questioning look on his face. He could also raise his eyebrow for purposes of clarity. (The thumbs up sign for ‘How much time?’ would not be a good idea since it could be mistaken for ‘All the best’ which would also be very applicable in the given context)

The combination of the expression on MITD’s face and its magnitude (Pain, Joy, Bliss, Anger, Frustration etc) would be, under most circumstances, more than enough information to accurately guess the amount of time required for MITD to finish up.

In some ambiguous cases, MITD could hold up his fingers to indicate expected time of completion.

Unless his hands are otherwise occupied.