It takes a lot to get a lazy blog owner (It’ll take a lot of regular blogging before I can call myself a blogger) to write a blog. And this weekend, an overdose of Akshay Kumar, first in 'Tees Maar Khan', and then in the finals of Masterchef India, has done just that.
Currently watching the Masterchef India Finals. (Yes, on a Saturday evening in the final week of the year. No, I don’t need you to tell me just how sad my life is).
Final break before the results are to be announced. Taking the time to look back on Masterchef India and everything thats wrong with Indian reality television. And I’m not even going into the Saas bahu area. (No, Auntyji, your favorite saas- bahu serial is not close to reality! So are most ‘reality’ shows on TV, you say? I agree. But let’s not get into that right now)
M Australia, the original, at least as far as M India is concerned, is all about cooking. The guests on the show are famous cooks. The judges are either cooks or critics. Harsh they may be, but they are all about professional cooking, judging and mentoring. The perfect amount of glamour required is provided through a combination of seemingly impossible challenges and breathtaking outdoor settings. I could go on, but I think you’ve got the message.
Now, let’s take a look at Masterchef India. Over time, the show has started to look less like M Australia and more like your typical bad bollywood masala movie.
- Unwanted song and dance sequences. Check.
- Unrelated special appearances, by stars current & past, like a typical Farah- Khan-movie. Check.
- The movie becoming more about the Star (Akshay) than about the content (cooking). Check
- Better talented actors (The 2 actual chefs on the show) being pushed into the shadows to make room for the lesser talented STAR (cooking-wise). Check.
- Uncalled for drama through accusations and infighting. Check.
- Irritating occurrences of different product promotions throughout. Check.
- Unnecessary emotional drama constructed through Parents/Kids/Spouces. Check.
- Long winding speeches at every important, and unimportant, point in time. Check.
The time devoted to the actual cooking is at a bare minimum. Most dishes are shown directly on the judges table, cooked and ready to be served without even a glimpse at it in the process of being made. And while I have full sympathy for Jayanandan’s troubled past and Pankaj’s resignation to appear on the show, there is a limit to how much emotion you can, or even should, extract from these.
And what in God’s name are all these Bollowood stars (invariably from upcoming releases) doing on the sets of a reality cooking show? Most of these so called judges find it impossible to get past ‘great’ and ‘amazing’. Sometimes I forget whether I’m watching M India or ‘Releases This Week’ on Zoom Tv. In between their struggle to appear like their upcoming movie Kirdaars and insert-movie-name-into-sentence dialogues, the actual show definitely takes a harsh beating.
...
And now coming to the naming of this post…
It’s because watching the movie is like getting slapped 30 times! Plus the blog is about Mastershef India. Therefore, Tees Maar KHA!
Not funny? Really? But I explained the joke! Doesn’t help?
Ok. How about if I explain it again? No? Ok.
How about if I say it louder? Really crank up the volume. Maybe if I get 3-4 more people to laugh loudly at it. Still don’t like it?
How about if I tell you a couple hundred jokes like that…
Have you got a headache yet? No? Ok, Let me try again…
There you go! That’s ‘Tees Maar Khan’ in a nut shell. A series of loud bad jokes resulting in a headache that refuses to go away. The only difference between this and the movie is that while I spared you after just one such sequence, the movie doesn’t display the same levels of compassion.
…
The final break is over. The results are being unveiled … to chants of Tees Maar Khan! And the final signoff is not a pan shot of the winning Masterchef contestant. It is Akshay Kumar saying “I Love you all”.
Need I say more?
P.S: In between the show, Farah Khan, amazed at the quality of cooking says “I want to resign as the judge!”.
Thanks, Farah!
And while you’re at it, please resign as a Director too...
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